I finally have time to do a Friday Fill-In on Friday! I'm home alone--wait, that's not as pathetic as it sounds. My dad picked the kids up for a sleepover at my parents' house, and Justin's on his way home. So it's Date Night, and I'm pathetically excited because it's been a long time--since before Christmas--since we've had a date. I have no idea what we're going to do except a) the first part will involve food, since I'm starving; and b) it has to be cheap. Probably our usual, the bookstore (although when you only go every two months, it's hardly old hat) and maybe rent a movie. Maybe. If I can stay awake long enough--last night I fell asleep on the couch at 9:40.
On with the fill-in!
1. You have a chance to make the right choices.
2. I can't stop thinking about food right now!
3. There is a time and a season for everything.
4. If you play now, you're going to pay later (and I'd rather pay in advance).
5. It's time to wake up and face the music.
6. My job for next year is up in the air but I am encouraged because I am being successful at subbing and I know my efforts are being noticed.
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward tohaving a date with my husband, tomorrow my plans include sleeping in since the kids won't be here to wake me up and Sunday, I want to go to dinner at our friends' house!
The kids and I just had a little shouting service over a check that came in the mail for $52.30. That might seem odd, but when you're nervously checking your bank account and calculating if you have enough to buy groceries AND pay the day care (at which you do NOT want to lose your son's place for non-or-late payment), every little bit helps. Justin and Miss Pink took a jar of change to the counting machine earlier today. So an extra 50 bucks was worth shouting, "Go Jesus, go Jesus, go Jesus!"
Oh, if I were always as grateful to God for everything He has done for me as Miss Pink was when she heard the amount, which seemed huge to her! If God had made the check be $5,000.00, I'm sure I would be shouting for joy. So I went ahead and shouted for this first little blessing even though it won't pay the past-due bills. Yet it reminds me of the woman who made a cake for the prophet with the last meal and oil she had; God kept on giving her just enough for the rest of the famine.
Now, I realize I am sounding like one of those faith-filled people. Nothing would make me happier, but the truth is my faith is still very weak. I spent yesterday and this morning fighting fear that roared through me like a hurricane. Last night I called a good friend and wept my heart out and received love and encouragement. This morning my husband and I assessed the situation prayerfully (we hope he will get paid some Monday, and more by the end of the week; the jobs are completed, and now the builders need to stop dragging their feet and pay what they owe him, but we can't force them to). And then I sat down to study because I agreed to teach a class at church tomorrow.
If you've never experienced trying to say something positive to a group of people, all of whom are older and wiser than you, while you're dealing with one of the worst struggles of your life, well...it's not that fun to get started. I had planned to teach something else, but this week I knew I needed to teach out of a series I had recently studied: Beth Moore's Believing God. Y'all, that study rocked my world. And then I had to live it, and it has nearly beaten me to death.
I don't have time to write the whole thing here, but in my lesson I say that until now I have never HAD to depend on God and nothing else. On one hand I have been distraught that I can't pay my bills on time, and a big part of that was IMAGE: what other people would think if they knew, and if we did end up losing our house, etc. how ashamed I would be. And I was thinking, If You are God, and You do love me, why aren't You delivering me? This hurts SO MUCH!
And on the other hand I knew that I have no right to demand that God give me money. I know many wonderful people who prayed, believed God, and were told no. I also know many people who received their miracle. For reasons we are not allowed to know, God wants us to ask, believing that He is able, but trust Him that if He says no, He will redeem the pain and that someday--whether in this life or on the other side--we will understand. And in the meantime He will be with us.
I know it sounds like a cop-out. I know it sounds like God gets a pretty sweet deal: all the credit when things go well, and a free pass when they don't. But all I know is that when I pray and read my Bible, I receive just enough strength to pick myself up and keep going. Just enough light to see the next few feet. Just enough money to buy groceries from an unexpected source.
It is hard for me to write this. I know many of you believe like I do, but some of you have other beliefs. That's okay (as long as you don't bash me, please). Some people have trouble being "real" online. That's not my problem; I have to force myself to maintain my boundaries. Although I love sympathy and encouragement, that is not why I wrote this. I just want to remind myself, the next time I am drowning in doubt, that on Saturday, January 16, 2010, I chose to believe. It's taking everything I have, but I'm hanging on to the One in whom I have believed, and I'm not letting go.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
As you might have noticed, I haven't posted this week. It's been a busy week--I'm working every day, and Justin has had to work later than usual, so I've been too tired to read blogs. Monday is a holiday, though, so I'm sure I'll catch up with you all soon.
Yesterday I didn't get called in to sub. Which surprised me, because I got called the first day back after the holidays (but couldn't go in due to a doctor's appointment.) Amazingly, I was a little disappointed since after two and a half weeks off, I am ready to get back to work (and to get paid!)
I did some things around the house. I couldn't waste time on the computer, because our church was having a Fasting Day. I had decided to give up caffeine and recreational Internet use, since I was planning to work, and I can't be responsible for what I might do to a class of little stinkers without ANY food in my stomach. I figured doing without caffeine and blogs (and Twitter and Facebook, yikes) would be hard enough.
It was. I discovered that almost every site I read on the Internet must be defined as recreational. I checked my email: nothing interesting (and FYI, Victoria's Secret and NY&Co, I have no money to spend on your endless sales anyway). I read some, but Hilary Mantel's novel Wolf Hall, while very well-written, is the story of Thomas Cromwell, the advisor to Henry VIII who made it possible for Henry to justify divorcing Katherine of Aragon and marry Anne Boleyn. And not to give anything away, but I already know how it ends, and it's not good for the protagonist.
(Spoiler alert: anyone who displeases the king gets executed. I just saved you from having to read a book. You're welcome.)
So I decided to work out. I need to tell you that I haven't worked out AT ALL for three six months. I just quit the gym because I was paying $35 a month to never go there. And our DVD player is broken, so I couldn't pop in an exercise DVD. And did you know that it's currently very cold here in Texas? Yeah, I'm so not going out to walk when it's 32 degrees (and that's the high for the day). I got out my underused iPod and broke out the few aerobics moves I remember from my college days and the many DVDs I've tried to follow. I jumped rope (personal best: 1 1/2 minutes before coming to a gasping halt!) I did squats and lunges and crunches and some Pilates moves. And I did it all to songs like "I Don't Wanna Go On With You Like That" and "Owner of a Lonely Heart."
I am positive I looked ridiculous. I do not know how to dance at ALL, due to being raised Pentecostal. Never have I been more glad that no one was around to mock me.
After I had done every move I could think of, I looked at the time on the iPod. Only 20 minutes had gone by.
Good enough, I told myself. After all, I haven't worked out in months. Gotta ease back into it.
And now that my job for today was canceled due to the district delaying school start times till 10, I have no desire to work out again today.
I just found out it's National Delurking Week. Whenever a blogger asks her readers to delurk, I always try to say hi because it's fun to know there are some people out there reading even if they don't normally comment. So please leave me a comment to let me know you're out there, and where you're reading from and your blog name (if you want to tell me)!
In return, I promise to visit and comment on your blog. I've done a couple of small good things (as opposed to big nasty resolutions) already and it felt good. Making some new blog friends would be a good way to start this year!
1. Last nightwe had appetizers for dinner, watched the movie Up and America's Funniest Home Videos and then watched the ball drop in New York and pretended it was midnight so the kids would go to sleep. Justin and I did stay up till midnight after they went to bed.
2. I am looking forward to making the most of this year.
3. The funniest thing is listening to my husband and children tease each other.
4. Here we stand at a crossroad...so where do we go from here?
5. He said tomAYto; she said tomAHto.
6. Every cloud has a silver lining and it's up to us to find it.
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to having takeout Chinese for dinner with my parents, tomorrow my plans include getting the house in shape before school starts on Monday and Sunday, I want to plan menus and get groceries for the week!
1. What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before? Became a working mom;enrolled a child in full-time daycare; joined Facebook after holding out for a couple of years; began using a budget; had my first (and last) garage sale; and went on a real diet (Weight Watchers).
2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? Yes, I had some—I had to go back and look, since I didn’t keep up with them formally.
Read the Bible and pray daily—um, not every day. I often take my Bible and a Bible study with me to a school and work on them during my free time. I pray in small bits throughout the day.
Get back to exercising 4 times a week. Took the summer basically off because the kids didn’t want to go to the gym childcare and then once I started working, that was all she wrote. We are planning to join the new community center in April and go a few times a week together.
Read a challenging book once a month. I probably did this. I read some biographies and Christian studies instead of just fiction and memoir.
Write every day and finish at least six short stories. I still write, but don’t have the sustained free time necessary for writing fiction.
Clean up the playroom--and therefore the living room--every night before bed. Not EVERY night, but we do this every two or three nights as a family. It helps.
Take more pictures. Not really. Does it count that I now get pictures from my mom and two SIL’s?
As far as my eating habits, I need to eat more fruits and vegetables, and I want to start eating real oatmeal instead of sugary cereal with no fiber. I do like the oatmeal but only take the time to make it on weekends, about once every 2 weeks. I still need to eat more fruits & veggies for snacks instead of carbs.
I’m not planning to do any “real” resolutions. I want to choose to be happy and thankful in all situations (and if I don’t feel happy, to “fake it till I make it” until an appropriate time to share my real feelings with someone). I want to get outside my comfort zone to be kind to others. Today my friend and I decided we are resolving to make more time to get together with friends.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
No, thank goodness.
5. What countries did you visit?
Sadly, none.
6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
A full-time teaching job. Financial stability.
7. What dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
August 15 was my brother’s wedding. Also, this year’s Christmas was the most fun so far with the kids since they are now both old enough to anticipate it.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Making the transition to becoming a working mother, and enjoying it.
9. What was your biggest failure?
The times when I freaked out about money worries, which had a negative effect on my husband and kids because “when mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.”
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
No.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
This is hard: all of a sudden I can’t remember anything I bought. The weekend Justin and I went to a hotel together (ALONE) was the best thing we spent money on.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
My whole family behaved well overall. I mean, sure there were some tantrums and whining and passive-aggressive sniping but in general I am very proud of the way my family treated each other and others.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Anyone who was on a “reality” TV show. I hate the whole phenomenon of reality TV and the type of personality it attracts. I would hate those people in real life, so why would I watch them on TV?
14. Where did most of your money go?
The mortgage, the car payment, daycare, our church, the electric company, Wal-Mart (where we buy 90% of our groceries because it’s so close to our house), restaurants.
15. What did you get really excited about?
Getting to teach again. Which surprised me. But I realized I do like kids (most of the time!), and I am passionate about teaching reading and writing.
16. What song will always remind you of 2009?
Nothing comes to mind. My favorite songs are mostly older.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
– happier or sadder? Happier, I think.
– thinner or fatter? Neither; I’m the same.
– richer or poorer? A little poorer.
18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Gone on more date nights.
19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Worrying about money.
20. How did you spend Christmas?
At my mother-in-law’s house in Lousiana.
21. Did you fall in love in 2009?
This sounds sappy, but it’s true: I fall more deeply in love with my husband every year we are married. He’s such a wonderful man—absolutely perfect for me.
22. What was your favorite TV program?
The Soup and The Closer.
23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? No.
24. What was the best book you read?
The Likeness by Tana French; Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell; Lisey’s Story by Stephen King; That Old Cape Magic by Richard Russo; I’m Down by Mishna Wolff; Await Your Reply by Dan Chaon; Catching Fire by Suzanne Collins; and Diary of a Provincial Lady by E.M. Delafield.
25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
That the iTunes Genius creates some neat playlists.
26. What did you want and get?
I passed my elementary certification test, and none of the bad things I feared happened.
27. What did you want and not get? A full-time job. I also didn’t get a bigger balance in the savings account.
28. What was your favorite film of this year?
An Education. A film about a young girl coming of age in 1960s England.
29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 34 while we were visiting my father’s side of the family in Arkansas. My aunt cooked a nice meal and a low-fat dessert (they’re dieting) and later I made my husband take me out for some Baskin-Robbins because I wanted something indulgent on my birthday!
30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
If we could have traveled somewhere cool. Or, more practically, if I could have had someone else clean my house regularly.
31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009? I started wearing work clothes again, so I couldn’t wear yoga pants every day. I learned that comfortable shoes are a must when you’re on your feet all day. I usually wear jeans and a cute top when I’m going somewhere. Thanks to a few fashion blogs, I’m slowly trying some new looks.
32. What kept you sane? This blog, laughter, Justin, my kids, prayer.
33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I don’t really get celebrity crushes. I mean, I think George Clooney and Johnny Depp are hot, but I don’t think too much about any celebrities in that way.
34. What political issue stirred you the most? The healthcare debate. I don’t have the answers, but the problems (on both sides of the issue) bother me because I know there’s no great solution.
35. Who did you miss? My late father-in-law, who would have had so much fun with my kids. My friends, whom I didn’t get to see as much because of working.
36. Who was the best new person you met?
My hairstylist. She’s fabulous and not expensive.
37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009.
It is possible for me to control my emotions even when it is not easy or pleasant-feeling to do so.
38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
No particular song lyric, but this anonymous poem contains some of the things I tried to learn this year.
