Friday Fill-Ins #154

1. Good times: listening to my children's laughter, when they get along (which doesn't last very long, these days.)

2. You are welcome in my home. (But please call first since I might need to throw a pile of junk in a closet straighten up.)

3. Sleigh bells ring, are you listening?

4. It feels like my children are not staying little very long.

5. Once more into the breach, dear friends, once more. (That's Shakespeare, Henry V, as no one except me probably wants to know. I had to look it up or it would have bothered me all night.)

6. I wonder how my thirties will end?

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to finishing cleaning the living room carpet, tomorrow my plans include hosting a slumber party for Miss Pink's 7th birthday and Sunday, I want to catch up on the sleep I'll miss Friday night!

The First Christmas

Today I was going to post about Justin's marvelous idea to get started on redoing Miss Pink's room the week before her birthday--and how my house is now covered in dust, for the second December in a row, and there are next to no decorations out and we are hosting a sleepover on Friday night--but I started working on a lesson I'm going to teach in our kid's church tonight and I thought it might be a little better for me to do what I'm asking the kids to do: to stop and remember the real reason for Christmas rather than stressing about the details.

So I thought I'd share it here. (Obviously I'm leaving out all the times the kids will interrupt with random thoughts and observations and my attempts to get back on script!)

* * *

Last weekend I was tucking my little son into bed and he wanted me to read him a Bible story. I asked him if he wanted me to read to him about Baby Jesus's birth, and he said yes, so that's what I read. Afterward, I asked him, "Now who was born on Christmas?"

He looked up at me with big shining eyes and said with total confidence, "Santa Claus!"

So we had to talk about who was really born on Christmas. But you know, sometimes I think all of us may forget what Christmas is supposed to be about. I think we might remember with our minds, but forget with our hearts.

Sometimes kids get so excited about the presents they're asking for, and the parties and lights and trying to stay awake to listen for reindeer--that they might forget what Christmas is really about.

Sometimes we parents get so busy buying presents and decorating and baking and traveling and reminding kids that they'd better watch out and not pout or cry--that we might forget what Christmas is really about.

Sometimes we forget to think about what happened on that first Christmas.

On that first Christmas, there were no decorations--just a smelly stable and a manger full of hay.

On that first Christmas, there were no crowds of busy shoppers buying presents, but there were crowds of people who had come to be counted and taxed. There were so many that there was no room anywhere in town for Mary and Joseph to stay, except in the stable.

On that first Christmas, there was not a star on top of a tree, but there was a star in the sky.

On that first Christmas, no one sang Christmas carols, but a choir of heavenly angels sang, "Glory to God in the highest, and on earth, peace, goodwill to all people!"

On that first Christmas, there were some gifts, but they were not toys or games--they were gold, frankincense, and myrrh.

However, there was an even better gift on that first Christmas. What was it?

That's right--it was Jesus! Jesus came to be the best gift ever. Why do you think Jesus is the very best gift?

Jesus came to take away our sins and live in our hearts so we can have true peace, joy, and love. This Christmas, let's not be like the people in Bethlehem who were too busy to realize a King had been born in their town. Let's take time to celebrate Jesus' birthday because that's what Christmas is really about.

Friday Fill-Ins #153

1. You get a stomach virus when you are in 1st grade and it is going around your class. (Poor Miss Pink!)

2. You gotta fight for your right to party. (Where in my brain did THAT come from?)

3. It's almost Christmastime.

4. I wish the attention-seeking people on "reality" TV shows knew they are ridiculous!

5. I feel more hopeful about my future teaching teenagers.

6. When it's 11:00...goodnight!

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to Miss Pink starting to feel better, tomorrow my plans include supporting my husband as he finishes scraping the walls of Miss Pink's room and Sunday, I want to see my friends and family at church!

Teacher Update and Prayer Request

Miss Pink's music teacher emailed me back as soon as school was out. He remembered the incident with the "Thriller" video. He'd had some extra time in some classes, so they were watching videos of their favorite Michael Jackson songs (they study influential American musicians, and Johnny Cash was another one they were studying.) When someone asked for "Thriller," he hesitated and warned the kids that there were some scary parts and asked if anyone didn't want to watch the video. As he said, he made the mistake of thinking the younger kids could understand what he was saying and make a good choice for themselves. During the video, he noticed Miss Pink crying and he stopped the video and tried to comfort her. He apologized to me and said he felt terrible that he had caused her to miss sleep. This was enough for me; he took responsibility and promised to be more careful in the future.

As for the movie, I was glad I had asked IF they had watched the movie instead of assuming they had, because they had NOT watched the whole movie. The only parts they watched were clips of the songs--no speaking scenes. This was fine with me because it would help the music come alive for the kids. (And in fact Miss P recognized the real Johnny and June singing "Jackson" on the radio while we were traveling). The teacher explained that all movies have to be G-rated or they have to get parents to sign a permission slip. This made me feel much better, of course.

The teacher also echoed what you all kindly told me: that I was not being That Parent who makes his job harder, but a parent who wants the best for my child He always wants me to come to him with any concerns. It was a good exchange all the way around.

Finally, in a completely unrelated incident, I would like to ask for your thoughts and prayers for the family of our youth pastor, whose 28-year-old brother pulled a gun on a police officer. Apparently the officer got the gun away from him but the brother pulled out another gun and pointed it at the officer, who then shot him. Later, the young man died. Tragically, the guns were actually replicas--but of course the officer didn't know that. I think about my children, whom I love so much, getting mixed up with drugs (this seems to be the case here) and making mistakes that lead to their death, and my heart breaks for their family, especially with this happening right before the holidays. I pray that they will find strength and comfort in knowing that people across the world are thinking and praying about them.

When Good Teachers Make Bad Choices

As a teacher by profession even when I was staying at home, I have always been averse to being That Parent. You know That Parent, the one who drives the teachers crazy by complaining about everything that goes on in the class when That Parent isn't there to protect their delicate flower--I mean child.

I have had 11th grade teachers tell me that parents complained that their teenager was asked to read The Crucible because "it's about witchcraft."

This type of parent annoys me because they are not well-informed. I think it's safe to say that The Crucible is not pro-witchcraft; it's simply anti-witch hunts. I can't be sure without a copy in front of me, but I'm pretty sure that there is nothing definitely supernatural in the play; there are merely accounts from eyewitnesses who claim they saw Goody So-and-so dancing with the devil, and so forth. Miller's point is that people can get caught up in group hysteria when their only hope of exoneration is condemning someone else, as was happening in 1950s Hollywood when Senator McCarthy was accusing everyone of being a secret Communist. There are important lessons we can learn from the play that are applicable to modern-day hunts for what our society considers evil, and actual devil-worship is not really a problem these days.

But the 17-year-old students whose parents freak out because OMG! Witches! are not going to learn to learn from history in order to keep it from repeating itself. Sad.

Believe me, you don't want to get me started on people who rail against Harry Potter. My feeling is, "If you have READ the books and still feel it is inappropriate for your child, fine. If you have just HEARD that it is pure evil, you have no grounds to complain. You're the parent; presumably as an adult you can handle reading/watching the potentially harmful material and DOING YOUR JOB as a parent to decide if you are going to let your child read/watch it."

Whew. You didn't even get me started on that topic; I just went off on it, all on my own.

Even though I try to support teachers and their right to decide what to teach, I felt compelled to write the following email to Miss Pink's music teacher. He is an enthusiastic teacher and Miss P loves him and his class. However, I thought about it and realized I couldn't let these lessons go by without saying something. If I did, I would be remiss in my responsibility to make sure my child is not exposed to age-inappropriate concepts. Seriously, what was he thinking to let kindergartners and first-graders (including kids up through 5th grade; they have several weeks of music class together per year) watch the "Thriller" video and the movie Walk the Line?

Here is my email.

Dear Mr. ______,

I realize I should have contacted you right away, but with the holiday I let it slip my mind. However, I did want to let you know that after Miss Pink watched the "Thriller" video in music class, she had trouble sleeping for several nights because she couldn't stop thinking about the scary images. She is pretty imaginative and I guess it was just too scary for her. As a parent, I'm sure you understand how hard it is to get a freaked-out child to calm down and go to sleep. I realize you only wanted to introduce the kids to the music of Michael Jackson, but in the future, you might not want to show that type of video to classes that include younger kids.

Also, I could not figure out from what Miss Pink told me if the students watched the whole movie of Walk the Line, so if they only watched clips of the music, please ignore the following. I love Johnny Cash and the movie based on his life, but my husband and I feel the themes of drug addiction and infidelity were too adult for our first-grader. We would have liked to have had a note home so we could have opted out for that lesson(s). Trust me, as a teacher I understand it's hard to find interesting films that relate to your subject, and I hesitated to complain because I don't want to be That Parent who makes life hard for teachers who are doing their best, but I felt you would want some constructive feedback for the future. Please believe that I only want to help and that I am not angry because no serious harm was done; I am just asking you to rethink using these materials, or at least check with parents and/or the administration before using them in the future.

If you feel you need to meet with me in person or over the phone, you could call me at ______. Simply letting me know via email that you've heard my concerns would be enough to fix the issue from my point of view, however.

Best,
Alison ____

I tried to be conciliatory because I know teachers may get defensive when they perceive a parent is attacking them. I also went to the teacher directly rather than going above his head to the principal right away. In my opinion, parents should give the teacher a chance to apologize, explain, and offer a solution to the problem before they bring in the big guns. If the teacher responds appropriately, I will let it drop because I honestly don't think any real harm was done. Miss P finally forgot about Michael turning into a werewolf (although it took 3 or 4 nights) and she probably didn't even know drugs were being used in those scenes. Notice that I didn't jump to conclusions based on what my child had said since I really don't know if they watched the whole movie. Parents should remember that what their child says is from a kid's point of view and may not be 100% accurate, so we should give the teacher a chance to explain before we freak out. (There are exceptions to what I'm saying, such as when something really bad happens and you have to demand that something be done right away.)

What do y'all think? Is this a letter that will probably get the results I want--or was I even too wishy-washy? What should I do if the teacher blows off my concerns? And do you have any stories to share of how to approach--or how NOT to approach--a child's teacher?

It's the Principle of the Thing

Part IV in the story of how I stopped adhering to the traditional Pentecostal lifestyle. Here are Part I, Part II, and Part III.

Sorry if I left you hanging with my announcement to Justin that I had been cutting my hair for years and that I apologized for keeping it a secret from him (and thereby potentially damaging his trust in me) but that I felt fine about trimming my hair. I gave some of my reasons why I had started to believe that God was not requiring me to follow those guidelines.

If the first big surprise of the night was that I'd blurted out my secret, the second surprise was that he wasn't angry with me. He thanked me for telling him and asked for some time to process it.

Later, Justin told me that his mind had been changing as well. (How like our God to work on two people at the same time, without either of them knowing about the other's journey!) He later told me that he thought, "I know Alison's love for God and her spirit has not changed. So obviously cutting her hair did not change her spiritual life--and therefore it must not be as important as we were taught." He shared these thoughts with me and we decided to study and seek God for ourselves rather than blindly following church traditions. We were still open to keeping any standards that we felt were appropriate for our family, if there was truly a Biblical basis for them rather than "we've always done it this way." At the same time, we were willing to accept other Christians who didn't have the same beliefs. Above all, we were determined not to be judgmental, sour believers who gave Christianity a bad reputation.

One of the first steps we took was to talk to our pastor--who happens to be my dad, but we have great respect for him as a pastor and not just as my father. After 34 years at the same church, he has a LOT of wisdom, which in my opinion he showed by allowing the people who didn't conform to the standards to continue attending our church despite the protests from long-term members who wanted everyone to look and behave alike. In all those years, Dad didn't preach about the standards (they were more of a social norm, an unspoken rule) and as people started to change, he simply didn't say anything and treated them just like the other church members. This meant that we lost quite a few people who thought our church was abandoning the truth. That was painful for my parents, but Dad didn't revert back to the old ways because, like us, he had come to believe that the standards were not essential to being a Christian or even a Pentecostal. Therefore, he encouraged us to pray and study for ourselves and he gave us a book written by a friend of his that allowed for a more moderate interpretation of the Scriptures the conservatives always trotted out as "proof" that God's will involved looking like you belong in the nineteenth century.

I won't provide an exegesis of the Scriptures we studied, but suffice it to say that Justin and I saw clearly what we believed those Scriptures to mean. We saw that the principle of the thing is what God is after, not specific items of clothing or hairstyles which can change over time and between cultures. Does God want people to be modest? I believe so. Do different people interpret modesty differently? Yes. I hope to teach my children that when they are showing certain parts of their bodies to get a reaction from the opposite sex, that's a problem. We have to internalize the principle of modesty and not wear things that make us feel immodest. I realize there is a lot to this topic that I haven't answered here, but if you're interested in discussing it, ask a question in the comments and I will answer you in another post to the best of my ability as long as you ask respectfully, even if you disagree. In fact, ask anything you'd like to know about these posts!

As for where we are now, we feel completely happy with our decision. I have long hair by most people's standards--to my shoulder blades--but it's that long because my husband and I like it that way, and every stylist I've had agrees that I should keep the length, with some layers to give it shape! Fixing my hair is so much easier now that I don't have to hide split ends. I wear subtle makeup and am pleased at how it defines my best features and gives natural color to my pale skin. I wear pants, shorts, sleeveless tops, and jewelry. By the way, pants are MORE modest than a skirt when you're caring for small children, especially if you should have to climb into a plastic tube at Chick-Fil-A to rescue a screaming child! As I said, I do feel I dress modestly, with camis under super-low necklines and skirts to the knee or right above. But that's just age appropriate, too! I am NOT interested in showing off my cellulite. Anyway, it's all a personal decision which I don't impose on others because I am DONE with trying to play God. It's amazing how much more freeing it feels to stop trying to be the Judge!

Of course, my in-laws don't feel the same way at ALL, which makes visiting for the holidays about as relaxing as a stroll through a Vietnamese minefield! But that's another story for another day.

Thankful

I hope you have all had a wonderful Thanksgiving, if you celebrate it. If not, I hope you had a great weekend just because you deserve one!

The kids and I were out of school for a week. The first two days we devoted to sleeping in a little, having fun, going to the library and meeting friends for lunch since we don't get to do that much anymore. We packed up and left on Wednesday right after lunch to go to Arkansas, where my dad's brother and his wife have a house big enough to accommodate all of us. We go there every other year, and my cousins have arranged their holiday schedules so we can all be together every two years. This year, my brother and his new wife couldn't come because she works in retail and had to work on Black Friday, and my youngest cousin had to stay in San Diego because he just got a job and couldn't take off. They were missed, but we enjoyed seeing everyone else and eating turkey, dressing, mashed potatoes, corn, green beans, candied yams, cranberry salad, rolls, deviled eggs and other relishes, cherry pie, pecan pie, pumpkin pie, coconut cake, and chocolate-chip cookies that I made for the kids since my kids don't like any of those other desserts, which was fine because that was more for the grown-ups.

It was a little different because the last time we were together, my grandmother was still alive. She had just suffered a stroke and was unable to talk much, but she said, "Yum, yum" and had a big appetite. A few months later, she was gone. My grandfather and my aunt's mother, both regulars at the Thanksgiving feasts of the past, are also gone. We reminisced a little but none of us would choose to call them back to the pain and paralysis and dementia they were facing. We are grateful for the memories, though--and we'll never forget them, since the recipes we use are from their kitchens and are still made with just as much love.


It was hard to be sad with the children around, too. The cousins had seen each other this summer, and they picked up right where they left off, with few squabbles. The two oldest girls get along as well as my oldest cousin and I always did, while the boys rode a tricycle through the house and the youngest girl inserted herself confidently into whichever group she chose. The second-oldest of my cousins is pregnant with her second child, due in January, and they are choosing to be surprised about the gender, just like we did with Miss Pink. Life goes on. And for that, we are thankful.