My Kids Caused My Memory Loss

I’m a little frustrated at myself for not jotting down the idea I had earlier for a blog post, because now I can’t remember it at all. I mean, that’s Rule #1 of writing: don’t trust yourself to remember an idea. I am not even busy at work--I stayed home, away from the sawdust, to continue recuperating from a nasty allergy attack--so I have no excuse.

Yet I can sing a jingle for a local newspaper that went out of business 30 years ago.

I used to have a memory like a steel trap. My parents marveled over my ability to parrot back song lyrics I’d only heard once. I was a fountain of (probably useless) information I had read “somewhere.” I could remember tiny details from past experiences. This continued up until my children were born, when first sleep deprivation and then their social, academic, and athletic schedules demanded all my available mental real estate and then some. So yes, I totally blame them.

Now both of my children have steel-trap memories. I’ve learned that if one of them asserts a fact from memory--say, something we were talking about last week, or the date of their next field trip--they’re probably right. (An exception can be made for my son’s claims about “facts” from the videos he watches on YouTube, since he tends to exaggerate and also often fails to understand nuance and context. But when it comes to things like how to do a math problem, he’s definitely going to be right and I’m definitely going to be clueless.)

Instead of arguing with them only to be proven wrong, or getting discouraged because my memory isn’t what it once was, I have begun harnessing their powers for (my) good. “Remind me to wash your basketball uniform after dinner,” I say. Or, “Make sure you ask your teacher about that permission slip.” Most of the time, they remember.

And if they don’t? (Which does happen because they’re kids and they usually don’t actually WANT to remember the stuff I’m putting back on them.) Well, then, I just look back at them and say, “Hey, it’s not MY fault. I told you to help me remember.”

I may have lost some memory, but I’ve gained some wisdom!

May you remember everything truly important this week! 

My Dewey's 24-Hour Read-a-Thon Post!

Update on 4/24/16, 12:02 p.m.
Obviously I did not get around to updating again during the actual read-a-thon, which was fine, because I didn't do much more reading since at 3:15 we left for my daughter's first tournament with her new select basketball team and didn't return until 9:50 p.m. I knew the tournament would interrupt my read-a-thon plans once we'd decided to let her join the team, but I didn't know how long we'd be gone, especially since we spontaneously decided to go out to eat with the team after the games. (It was worth it for team bonding purposes, though. We got to know the parents better, too; they're nice people.) I did manage to finish Persepolis after we got back. I don't think I could've read as many pages in a conventional book.

Here are my answers to the End of Event Survey.

1. Which hour was most daunting for you?  Well, as I didn't exactly tax myself, none of them were very daunting, but I did get very sleepy from 10-11 p.m. 
2. Could you list a few high-interest books that you think could keep a Reader engaged for next year? Persepolis was interesting to me and I think graphic novels in general are good to have on hand as a break from longer texts. I think sticking to shorter books was a good idea, and of course anything with an exciting plot is helpful (for me, that was Shirley Jackson's The Haunting of Hill House). It also seems fun to have a book on hand that you've been dying to get to. I wish I'd had Curtis Sittenfeld's new retelling of Pride and Prejudice, titled Eligible.
3. Do you have any suggestions for how to improve the Read-a-thon next season? No. As a first-timer, the structure seemed like it really worked.
4. What do you think worked really well in this year’s Read-a-thon? I especially enjoyed the Facebook group and seeing all the pictures of books, snacks, and places where people were reading. I thought everyone was lovely and encouraging. Some people would feel insecure about their progress, saying things like, "I suck! I'm still reading my first book!" And then immediately others would respond with things like, "Hey, all that matters is that you're reading and having fun." So true!
5. How many books did you read? I finished two that I had already started and made a start on another (which I have since read more of today.)
6. What were the names of the books you read? The Haunting of Hill House by Shirley Jackson; The Complete Persepolis by Marjane Satrapi; and Complications: A Surgeon's Notes on an Imperfect Science by Atul Gawande.
7. Which book did you enjoy most? Hill House made me want to read everything Jackson ever wrote.
8. Which did you enjoy least? I enjoyed all three, but I realized quickly that I'd already read Complications so the experience wasn't the joy of discovering something new.
9. How likely are you to participate in the Read-a-thon again? What role would you be likely to take next time? I'm definitely planning to participate and hope to read many more hours next time. I can't see taking a formal role, but I loved reading and responding to others' posts on social media.

Update at 2:47 p.m.
Books I'm reading: Persepolis, pp. 232-276. Marjane has now returned to Iran and is having trouble fitting in after being in Europe for so long.
     "I was shocked. At least one street in three is named after a martyr." I feel that I understand the Middle East a little better after reading this powerful graphic novel.

Complications, pp. 1-18. Pretty sure I've read this before, but I still like it.
     "We look for medicine to be an orderly field of knowledge and procedure. But it is not. It is an imperfect science, an enterprise of constantly changing knowledge, uncertain information, fallible individuals, and at the same time lives on the line. There is science in what we do, yes, but also habit, intuition, and sometimes plain old guessing. The gap between what we know and what we aim for persists. And this gap complicates everything we do."

Snacking update: A pickle spear, chips, and fire-roasted salsa. Later, a package of cinnamon brown sugar BelVita breakfast biscuits.

Update at 12:38 p.m.
Book I finished: The Haunting of Hill House. Now I want to read everything Shirley Jackson ever wrote. Pages read: pp. 108-182 and the introduction (I was right to save it for last; like most scholarly introductions, it's full of spoilers.
     If you've never read this, I highly recommend it! A quick, mesmerizing read.

Next up: Complications by Atul Gawande.

Update at 11:09 a.m. 
I really only started reading about 10:00. It's my husband's fault for watching Freedom Writers in front of me; I've somehow never seen it but it kept pulling me in. I finally asked him to record the whole thing for me to watch later and I retreated to the bedroom.

I caught my husband's very bad, no good, terrible, awful cold so I'm not ecstatic but then again, I'd be miserable even if I weren't trying to read all day.

Books I'm reading:
The Haunting of Hill House by Shirley Jackson. Pages read: pp. 42-108. Obviously I had already started this one and now Jackson's imaginative take on a haunted house is finally catching on with me. Psychological horror is the kind I'm interested in.

The Complete Persepolis by Marjane Satrapi. Pages read: pp. 204-232. At this point in the memoir, Marjane is a teenager studying at a French high school in Vienna. Her mom comes to visit, and she gets her first real boyfriend (spoiler alert: the first one was gay.)

Snacking update:
Still super full from breakfast, but I need to hydrate, so I'm off to get a drink and start a load of laundry.

9:34 a.m.
I'm late getting started, but I knew I would be, since we had to continue our long-standing tradition of eating a hearty breakfast at our favorite local restaurant. I don't know how many Saturdays we've gone in a row, but let's just say the cashier said if we don't show up, she wonders what happened to us. This way, I'm full and happy as I start to read!

Here are a couple of memes from the first three hours:


Our Bookish Childhoods
1) Little House on the Prairie: I wanted to BE Laura. I spent many hours pretending my bed was a wagon and other make-believe games.

2) The Chronicles of Narnia: Same with Narnia; I desperately wished I could go there.

3) Little Women: I have had multiple copies over the years. Like everyone else, I identified with Jo. This book is truly a timeless classic.

4) Jane Eyre: We had an abridged version which I read when I was around 11. I was entranced and not by the "romance." Jane is such an original heroine, since she is "poor, plain, and little" but she refuses to give up her autonomy and dignity.

5) The Secret Garden. I once read that one is either a Secret Garden fan or a Little Princess fan. I liked A Little Princess but Mary Lennox's mysterious garden enchanted me.


Intro Meme
1) What fine part of the world are you reading from today?
     Burleson, TX (just south of Fort Worth, for you non-Texans)

2) Which book in your stack are you most looking forward to?
     Hard to say, they all sound good. I'm loving Persepolis, which will be my graphic novel "palate cleanser" although it's hardly light fare (seeing that it's written by an Iranian woman. I'm learning stuff I never knew about the Iraq-Iran war.)

3) Which snack are you most looking forward to?
     I'm all about the salt lately (thanks, perimenopause), so chips, salsa, and guacamole are delish.

4) Tell us a little something about yourself!
     I'm a 40 year old mom with a 13-year-old daughter and 10-year-old son. I attended four different universities but only have one degree (and one teaching credential; I also have two halves of different master's degrees). I've only ever lived in Texas but look forward to traveling more as the kids and our budget get bigger. I used to teach high school English but now I'm the office manager of our cabinet shop, which is much more flexible and less stressful than teaching public school. I'm considering library school because books are my favorite things in the world (besides my family).

5) If you participated in the last read-a-thon, what’s one thing you’ll do different today? If this is your first read-a-thon, what are you most looking forward to?
     This is my first read-a-thon. I'm most looking forward to meeting some new bookish friends and reading alongside my daughter. 

Always Go To the Funeral

I read a great article yesterday called “Always Go To the Funeral,” which was originally recorded for NPR’s show “All Things Considered.” They asked people to write short essays on the topic “This I Believe,” and Deirdre Sullivan, a lawyer in New York, wrote that she had learned from her father to always go to the funeral. To learn why, you should read the piece--it’s really great and also short. Here’s my favorite part of the essay, though:

“In my humdrum life, the daily battle hasn't been good versus evil. It's hardly so epic. Most days, my real battle is doing good versus doing nothing….In going to funerals, I've come to believe that while I wait to make a grand heroic gesture, I should just stick to the small inconveniences that let me share in life's inevitable, occasional calamity.”

We needed to go to a viewing tonight and it wasn’t very convenient. We can’t attend the funeral during the day tomorrow, so that left tonight from 5-7 p.m., at a funeral home at least 30 minutes away, maybe more at that time of day, and we are hosting a Limu party at our house at 7 p.m., to be followed by homework and snacks and “Oh my gosh, it’s after 9:00, you have to get in bed NOW!”

But there was no question that I would go. I didn’t know the deceased man very well, but I do know his sons and their families, having attended church with them for nearly my entire life. I babysat one son’s daughters, and the other son and his wife helped us start a small group ministry. Both have been great examples on how to do parenting right. Now their children are grown and they have lost their dad--a reminder to me (as if I really needed another one) that life is short. It may be less than convenient for me to fit a funeral home visitation into my schedule, but it’s worse  to lose someone you love.

In the article, Sullivan makes the point that we should always choose to do things that are inconvenient for us when they would be meaningful for the other person. I have often thought that I want to be a more thoughtful person, who sends encouraging notes and remembers birthdays and gives excellent presents because I pay attention.  Well, guess what: this is a way to actually start being more thoughtful.

When Justin’s parents died, ten years apart, I was struck by how much the simple gestures meant to us. There is a reason that people traditionally bring food to the grieving: it’s one less thing for them  to have to deal with, and on top of that, it’s delicious and therefore comforting. I promised myself I’d do better about providing food to the bereaved, and I have remembered to keep trying. So for this funeral, I offered to bake two cakes, and was told that one would suffice. I know this was not because my baking skills were being disparaged, but because plenty of other people had volunteered to bring or pay for food for the family meal after the service. That is encouraging, in this world which is full of so much animosity. We can still be a village.

So I baked the cake and frosted it, and it’s on the counter in its disposable foil pan. It fell a little in the center, but that just means those pieces will have extra frosting on them. I went to the viewing, and the family was happy to see me. And I was glad I had gone.

Planning for a 24-hour Read-a-thon

Okay, real talk: there's absolutely no way I'm going to be up for 24 hours, because the only thing I love more than books (and my family) is sleep. A few weeks ago, I saw a blog post about this phenomenon and decided to participate. I particularly love that there are no rules for being a part other than reading for some part of the 24 hours. That's it.

[It's nice that the plan is flexible, because I had cleared my schedule and planned to read all day, only breaking for minor things like food and personal hygiene. But now C has joined a basketball team and next Saturday will be a tournament. (They practice weekly and play in tournaments once a month or so.)

No biggie--I can still read on the drive up there and in between games as well as that evening. I won't get as many pages read, but it's really about quality and enjoyment over quantity.]

"Back up, Alison," I can hear you saying. "What exactly is this read-a-thon of which you speak?"

I'm glad you asked! According to the home page:

"For 24 hours, we read books, post to our blogs, Twitters, Tumblrs, Goodreads and MORE about our reading, and visit other readers’ homes online. We also participate in mini-challenges throughout the day. It happens twice a year, in April and in October.

It was created by the beloved Dewey (her blog is archived at the Wayback Machine). The first one was held in October 2007. Dewey died in late 2008. We’re still saddened by her absence, but the show must go on. The read-a-thon was renamed to honor its founder in 2009.

Dewey’s 24-Hour Read-a-thon is hosted by Heather and Andi of The Estella Society, with help from volunteers."


This is my first read-a-thon, and I'm very excited, especially because my 13-year-old daughter is willing to do it with me! She also loves to read, although she's all about reading one book at a time, whereas I need to have options, especially with so many hours in a row dedicated to reading. I tried to convince her to check out at least one alternative book besides her current read, but we'll see if she listens to me. She can always reread a favorite.

I have several books on my new 2016 read-a-thon list, although most of them are being requested through the library so it's not an actual pile yet. I wanted to have a variety of genres and tones. Here goes:

My Brilliant Friend by Elena Ferrante: because the rave reviews of so many readers can't be wrong. Also my first translated work to read this year.

The Haunting of Hill House by Shirley Jackson because I recently read Let Me Tell You and wanted more, and also, how have I not read this already?

 

The Beekeeper's Apprentice by Laurie King: this is the only one I'm not sure if I'll get in time, but I'll read it anyway because it looks like a good mystery series, and I don't have any mysteries currently in line.

Complications by Atul Gawande: because I've been a fan of his writing for a long time, and I wanted a nonfiction book that would keep me interested. His inquisitive yet scientific voice seems perfect to counteract a possible overdose of fiction.

The Complete Persepolis by Marjane Satrapi: I definitely wanted a graphic novel as a break from so many words. This one has been on my TBR for a long time.

I had My Name is Asher Lev by Chaim Potok on the list but I think I'll wait on that one. I also have Dodger by Terry Pratchett for a reread on standby.

C just started Cress by Marissa Meyer (I'm congratulating myself on introducing her to the Lunar Chronicles). She will probably read in the car and all evening, too. Love my bookish girl! 

If you want to join in, let me know and sign up at the home page or on Goodreads! There are also fun mini-challenges throughout the day, and you can sign up for people to "visit" you online and cheer you on.

Alison's Favorite Things: Springtime Edition

So I've been posting some heavy posts lately, and while topics about mental health and my kiddos growing up way too fast (sob) are certainly a big part of my life lately, so are some other things. Some might even call these things trivial or frivolous, but phooey on those people. I say the art of happiness is finding small treats for yourself on a regular basis.

I love Donna Meagle and Tom Haverford!

So here are some things I'm treating myself to/enjoying lately.

1.  The perfect jeans (for me). Y'all. You have NO IDEA how much I hate jeans shopping (probably the same amount that you hate jeans shopping.) I've bought so many pairs that "fit OK" only to end up hating them within a week. I'd obsessively read any article titled "Your Perfect Jeans" only to apathetically forget to shop for them. They didn't seem perfect, anyway.

The problem is the Gap. No, not the elusive Thigh Gap or the clothing store. I have a smaller waist-to-hip ratio than average, I guess. Pants that fit my hips often don't fit my waist. (Although aging is thickening my waist. Thanks, perimenopause!) Anybody know why even skirts with a zipper aren't as problematic? It probably has to do with rise over run or something. (I know that's a math thing, not a pants thing. I was trying to be funny. Be kind.)

Old Navy rockstar skinnies are good for me--although I had to size up to a number I'd never been before--as are any skinnies with stretch, so that trend has been nice. But I found the BEST everyday jeans that are more comfy than the Old Navy ones: Denizen from Levi's, found at Target.

Target! How do they manage to find the best things for us middle-aged moms at a great price point? It's a mystery.

I get the Curvy Skinny jeans. (I need these darker ones for dressier outfits; mine are more of a faded wash.) They don't stretch out over multiple wearings and the waistband never gaps. They have a Short for shrimps like me and a Long for you tall gals. I got the boot cut ones too, and they're a little more like a flare than a subtle boot cut, plus I need a slight heel with them, so I'm not gonna wear them as often.


But if you have the Gap (or even if you don't--they have a Modern Skinny fit for less curvy women) check them out. At 29.99, they can't be beaten!

2. Man, I'm gonna have to shorten my rave reviews or this post will take forever. Another thing I'm enjoying: tinted lip balm. When I see myself in pictures I always think my face is so "blah"...unless I have a little lip color on. And this winter I needed lip balm constantly, so it made sense to try a tinted one. I had one by NYX that was fine, but I wanted a smaller tube that was easier to apply without a mirror, so I went with the tried-and-true Burt's Bees and I love it.

I got the Lip Shimmer. It provides sheer yet noticeable color that stays put for a good amount of time and has a nice minty tingly feeling on my lips. It's definitely my everyday go-to now. I'm also going to try their gloss and maybe even (gasp!) their lipstick in the hopes that they will be more moisturizing than the ones I've tried.


3. Yoga. I've found my favorite exercise for life. No, yoga isn't just stretching with a nap at the end (though the relaxation benefits are significant for a stressball like me.) The research undeniably shows that a regular yoga practice is as effective as medication for treating anxiety and depression. (So is cardio, so I [reluctantly] alternate that into the mix.) Unlike other exercise, I actually look forward to doing yoga. I haven't done a class yet, but am planning to try one at our gym that meets mid-morning a couple of days a week. (I'm not doing anything at 5 a.m.)

I would have been intimidated to start with a class, so I'm glad I started where I did--free YouTube videos. I love Sara Beth of SaraBeth Yoga--her voice is soothing as is her background music (although she has some music-free videos as well--and she is excellent at explaining exactly what to do. I rarely even have to peek at the screen. Plus, she's not overly chatty like some of the yoga teachers on YouTube.

Even if I only have 15 minutes at the end of the day, I know I'll end up feeling more relaxed and refreshed after I do my yoga routine, and therefore I willingly do it...every day. I've never been able to say that about any other exercise routine.

Along those lines, I'm reading Yoga and the Pursuit of Happiness by Sam Chase, which I picked up on a whim at the library. Turns out it delves into why a yoga practice works, using both ancient Eastern wisdom and modern Western science, which is right up in my wheelhouse. I'm taking notes on it (which I do with nonfiction books I really want to learn from) and doing the "Inquiries" in my journal. I actually meditated for 15 minutes this morning--a new personal best!

Now it's time for me to stop going on about my favorites. What are you loving these days?

Brave

Yesterday in church the worship team was singing the song that goes like this:

      You make me brave
      You make me brave
      You call me out beyond the shore into the waves
      You make me brave
      You make me brave
      No fear can hinder now the promises you've made

Now what is a person who suffers with anxiety supposed to do with lines like that?

So many times I've mentally beaten myself up because I don't feel brave at ALL. The last line of this stanza is based on 1 John 4:18, which reads, "But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love" (NIV).

This verse made me feel awful whenever I was having an episode,* because I felt frozen with fear. It may sound absurd, but every weekend, I dreaded making a grocery list and going to the store...I think because it involved so many minor decisions that I felt overwhelmed. So when I was afraid to buy food for my family, I knew I wasn't "made perfect in love." I DEFINITELY wasn't brave. If He was "calling me out beyond the shore into the waves," I hadn't made it off the beach.

And surely that was my fault.

Setting aside the theological angle, here is what I realized in a flash yesterday while the song was being sung (and I believe it applies to everyone, regardless of whether you are a person who participates in a religious faith or not).

First, many thinkers have clarified that courage is not absence of fear. If it were, there wouldn't be anything particularly admirable about actions we define as courageous.

Think about it. If one cannot experience fear--and a few rare souls have this condition--then they are not knowingly choosing to be brave. They're just naively trusting as they go along. For me, courage is choosing to act according to one's values without regard to the danger to oneself. When I Googled "definition of courage," an even more succinct phrase came up: "the ability to do something that frightens one."

This is why my counselor gently asked me while I was struggling with the grocery store thing, "If a person has something that she's really afraid of (like going to the grocery store), and she does it anyway, does that make her a weak person or a strong person?"

Another mistake we make: we equate bravery only with physical courage. No one would deny that a firefighter who goes into a burning building to save someone is courageous. Since the will to survive is hardwired into human nature, that kind of bravery goes against all our instincts. It takes enormous willpower and a lot of adrenaline (I'm guessing) to overcome that kind of pre-programming.

Corrie ten Boom, author of The Hiding Place

I would never want to diminish the incredible difficulty of this kind of unselfish courage. In fact, I'll come back to it in a minute. But now I'd like to point out another kind of courage, a quieter kind. I've heard it described as moral courage. It can involve taking a stand against evil publicly or behind the scenes. Sometimes it too involves risking one's life; an example is the people who hid Jews during the Holocaust. In that case, secretly defying the Nazis' evil was more valuable than open defiance, since if you are alive you can save more people than if you're dead. Still, no one would disagree that Corrie ten Boom and Oskar Schindler were every bit as brave as the firefighters on 9/11...and many of those who hid Jewish people paid for their disobedience with their lives, showing that it's possible to exhibit both kinds of courage at the same time.

I'm coming to understand that a person can be brave even when lives aren't literally at stake. It seems absolutely absurd to think of myself as "bravely going to the grocery store" when people all over the world are facing unimaginable horrors.

Yet I think the message I got yesterday was that bravery isn't defined by the immediacy of the risk; what makes someone brave is that they acted according to their values despite their feelings of fear. 

I know many heroic single parents. Most of them probably have felt fear and even despair when faced with the task of raising children on their own. Yet they get up every morning and do the right thing all over again. That's courage.

If you think about it, the soldier who saves his fellow soldier in the middle of a firefight or the person who wakes up every day and refuses to let mental illness win are similar. Both of them choose to disbelieve the overwhelming information their brain is screaming at them and the huge chemical dump that makes their bodies shake, their hearts race, their throats close and their chests tighten. Both of them choose to act according to their belief about what is right. The soldier thinks, "It wouldn't be right to leave my buddy to be blown up." The person in the grip of clinical depression thinks, "It wouldn't be right to leave my family grieving for me."

I could go on to explain how the brain of an anxious person is giving the same signals as a person in physical danger--aka the fight or flight syndrome. But my posts tend to be too long already, so I won't. Another time.

Friend, if you find yourself stuck between the rock of your principles and the hard place life has driven you into, may I encourage you to cling to the rock? Choose to act according to your beliefs, even if it seems impossibly painful to do so. When I was in the middle of my most recent episode, I couldn't imagine living the next forty years in that kind of mental anguish...and I felt certain that I would always feel that awful. Yet I knew that love was my greatest value; therefore, love for my family--and God--made me choose, over and over again, not to give up. And now I have a new doctor, a new treatment plan, and new hope. I'm SO glad I was brave enough to keep going.

And that, I realized yesterday, is how perfect love drives out fear. Like so many things on my journey to healing, I'm learning that healing is a process. Perfect love WILL drive out all fear...if I give it time. It may take longer than I always thought that meant...but then eternal time is not the same as human time.

After all, the verse never said I am supposed to make myself perfect in love, only that "the one who fears is not made perfect in love." My job is to let myself surrender to the "love that made a way," as the song says.  All those who make the choice to "show strength in the face of pain or grief"** are courageous in my book.



*I choose to call my recurrences of my depression and anxiety "episodes" instead of relapses or anything that implies going backward or getting worse.  In a TV series, each episode has its own plot that is solved by the end but it also fits into a larger dramatic arc of the season and the series as a whole. Finally--and most important to me--episodes are temporary. Once you finish an episode, there is another, different one to experience.

**Google's #2 definition of courage.