Non-pregnancy update

Since some of you expressed concern at the effectiveness of the dollar store test, I bought another test at W*lmart today, because I'm paranoid like that. And guess what, I still am not pregnant. *heaving a sigh of relief* Because we weren't trying to get pregnant. Quite the opposite, in fact. My husband had a vasectomy a year ago (FYI, it's important to get tested afterward because you want to be sure the procedure worked; most failures after a vasectomy are due to the guy not returning for the follow-up visit.) ALSO I am still on birth control to control my hormones since my anxiety and PMS are worse without them. So if I had gotten pregnant, it would have been a miracle. I told myself that if a sperm had managed to sneak through those obstacles, it would be an exceptionally strong and determined swimmer--we'd probably have the next Michael Phelps!

Sorry if all that was TMI, but several of you asked, and I think the people have a right to know. That way, you'd know whether to congratulate or reassure me if I had been pregnant. Thanks for being sensitive to my feelings either way :-)

Even though I know I'd adore any child we'd create together, I also know that I'd prefer to stop with the two we have. Here's the honest and raw truth that I wrote in my journal the other night before I took any tests.

"I adore my children. I just want to enjoy them where they’re at, and not return to the infant stage. I can do the infant stage—or at least I did—and I enjoyed the baby smell and the way they look when they nurse, and there’s something deeply fulfilling about nurturing this completely helpless little person: you are the only thing keeping them alive. (Yes, I AM overdramatic. Wanna make something of it?) But. I think I am a much better parent of preschoolers (and with any luck, of grade-schoolers) than infants. At least conversations with the kids now engage my brain cells. Me being a SAHM is the right choice for our family, at least right now. It’s much better than the alternatives. But I’m not going to lie—it’s been hard on me intellectually and emotionally. I need time to think and write, and I don’t get as much of it as I want—and when I do take some, I feel guilty."

And here I am about to have some free time for the first time in two and a half years, and I was worried I was not going to get it after all. I don't want my kids to grow up any faster than they have to, but I'm not wishing I could return to the baby days, either.

Week in review coming later, I hope.