Thursday, March 12, 2009

Where to Go From Here?

In a previous post, I reflected on the path of academia which I didn't take, and wondered if I've missed out. Obviously, I've been questioning what to do with my life--specifically, wondering if I am still being called to be a SAHM, or if I should be considering other options.

I've ruled out working full-time because I don't feel that being a full-time employee, especially after having been home for so long, would be good for my family right now (unless, of course, there was no other option financially.) But a part-time tutoring job using my teaching skills would be doable, and the extra money would be helpful. I've been thinking about it too much, especially since I wouldn't start working until the next school year starts. I'm trying to make myself wait until it's time to apply before I start trying to line up childcare and so forth. I can't help it--I'm a control freak planner!

I just want to make sure that if I get a job, I'm doing it for the right reasons. When Miss Pink was around two, my husband's business was in trouble and I wanted to go back to work. He refused--and that is saying a lot since he's always been supportive of my choices. But she is his daughter too and I felt I couldn't put her in day care against his wishes--not to mention the damage it would cause to our marriage if I steamrolled over him. The money problems worked out and later I came to realize that he had actually been against it because I wanted to work for the wrong reasons. I wanted to work because I was angry at him for not providing enough (real nice, right?) and I wanted to be the savior of the situation. I'm sure that every time I had a bad day, I would have held it over his head: "Well, I wouldn't feel so terrible if I DIDN'T HAVE TO WORK AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT GAH!"

I've grown up a lot since then. And learned to appreciate my husband more. This time, Justin is fine with me working part-time if the right job opens up, especially since the kids are older. I guess I'm just questioning whether I'm falling into the trap that I need to be making money to be "worth something" to society.

This post by Jennifer of Conversion Diary has fueled my soul-searching. (Seriously, click over and read it--she is such an awesome writer.) If I am called to stay home at this point of my life, I need to accept that calling and stop fighting against God's will for me. Then and only then will I find peace. On the other hand, if the restlessness I'm feeling is a sign that I need to explore another path, then that's where I need to go. It's possible that I just need to wait, as I originally intended, until Mr. Blue is in kindergarten.

Sigh. I guess I have my direction: to wait until I find out whether the job would work with our schedule. I just wish I knew in advance what to do! But I was never promised a guarantee for next year, or even tomorrow.



  1. I've often thought "wait" is a harder answer than "no," at least sometimes. -- Leann

  2. I'm in your same boat right now. My youngest will go into Kindersteps in July. (Yes, we are modified-year round school here). Times are really tough right now for us financially and I see a huge need for the cashola. Not desire. Need. So, I am beginning to make plans to find the workola. :) I'm not excited to go back to work, even though I know I'll enjoy working, because I have been a SAHM for over 10 years and I feel a little awkward prancing my resume out with some really ancient job titles. :) It's all good, however. It will be an adventure.

    Anyhow, I enjoyed your post. I'm just dropping by from SITS to say hello and all. Enjoy your Thursday!

  3. Hmmm... I'll be praying that you find the right path.

  4. I think all of struggle with wanting to have one foot in each world.

    I have always worked, from home, and on my own schedule for the most part.

    My husband is the one who takes the boy to school, makes his lunches, etc and is a SAHD... it's pretty cool.

    Doesn't mean I hate having to pass up trips to the park cause I need to work. Also doesn't mean I don't love feeling accomplished in my field.

    If the right thing comes along, try it... I always ask myself, what would I want for my son if he was making this choice... funny how we consider the more "worthy" than ourselves.


  5. What is it with your blog and my poor grammar? Seriously, every time.

    That should say: all of us struggle
    and Don't think I don't hate having to pass up trips to the park...

  6. I like how you finished this off. No guarantees, no road maps. I'm much like you though. It's difficult to sit back and wait and see. I've really had to learn to relax (ya, right!) over the last few years, and I'll be darned, clarity does come with time and patience. Now if I can only stop wishing time by!