Where to Go From Here?

In a previous post, I reflected on the path of academia which I didn't take, and wondered if I've missed out. Obviously, I've been questioning what to do with my life--specifically, wondering if I am still being called to be a SAHM, or if I should be considering other options.

I've ruled out working full-time because I don't feel that being a full-time employee, especially after having been home for so long, would be good for my family right now (unless, of course, there was no other option financially.) But a part-time tutoring job using my teaching skills would be doable, and the extra money would be helpful. I've been thinking about it too much, especially since I wouldn't start working until the next school year starts. I'm trying to make myself wait until it's time to apply before I start trying to line up childcare and so forth. I can't help it--I'm a control freak planner!

I just want to make sure that if I get a job, I'm doing it for the right reasons. When Miss Pink was around two, my husband's business was in trouble and I wanted to go back to work. He refused--and that is saying a lot since he's always been supportive of my choices. But she is his daughter too and I felt I couldn't put her in day care against his wishes--not to mention the damage it would cause to our marriage if I steamrolled over him. The money problems worked out and later I came to realize that he had actually been against it because I wanted to work for the wrong reasons. I wanted to work because I was angry at him for not providing enough (real nice, right?) and I wanted to be the savior of the situation. I'm sure that every time I had a bad day, I would have held it over his head: "Well, I wouldn't feel so terrible if I DIDN'T HAVE TO WORK AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT GAH!"

I've grown up a lot since then. And learned to appreciate my husband more. This time, Justin is fine with me working part-time if the right job opens up, especially since the kids are older. I guess I'm just questioning whether I'm falling into the trap that I need to be making money to be "worth something" to society.

This post by Jennifer of Conversion Diary has fueled my soul-searching. (Seriously, click over and read it--she is such an awesome writer.) If I am called to stay home at this point of my life, I need to accept that calling and stop fighting against God's will for me. Then and only then will I find peace. On the other hand, if the restlessness I'm feeling is a sign that I need to explore another path, then that's where I need to go. It's possible that I just need to wait, as I originally intended, until Mr. Blue is in kindergarten.

Sigh. I guess I have my direction: to wait until I find out whether the job would work with our schedule. I just wish I knew in advance what to do! But I was never promised a guarantee for next year, or even tomorrow.