Has it really been almost a week since I blogged? Sorry about that. We are in Louisiana visiting Justin's family, and first I was getting ready for the trip and then traveling (it's a 6 1/2 hour drive) and then once we got here we discovered that his mother's DSL works only intermittently. Justin's sister brought over her laptop but I hate to stay glued to it when others may need it. I'm going to try to do some scrapbooking today since the kids have their cousins to play with.
It turns out this is not going to be an ordinary visit. It's always a little weird for me to be here because Justin spends all his time working on his mother's house (it was never totally finished after Hurricane Rita demolished her master bedroom and bathroom), the kids play and my SIL goes her way and I'm left at loose ends. Normally that would be all right--I read, scrapbook as I said, or go to the grocery store and try to do useful things like cleaning up the kitchen. But this time I am struggling with anxiety.
My mother-in-law has had some lumps on the side of her neck for several months, and terrible sinus pressure and pain. None of the medications they've tried have helped. Last week the lumps were biopsied, and the doctors are almost sure they are malignant. We are waiting to see what type of cancer the biopsy shows. On Friday, my MIL's sister is coming over and we're supposed to sit down and discuss my MIL's wishes.
As hard as it is for any family to deal with a diagnosis of cancer, I especially feel for my MIL because four years ago, she lost her husband to sarcoma, a rare but aggressive cancer of the connective tissues. She spent a lot of time in hospital rooms--and so did we. I was pregnant with Mr. Blue at the time and most of my pregnancy was clouded with the sickness and loss of Justin's father. And then shortly after he died--before Mr. Blue was born--the hurricane made her house unlivable and she had to live in her church's apartment with her daughter, son-in-law, and two kids--with nothing to do but wait for others to rebuild her house as best as they could, in the time they could spare. Through it all she has been patient and enduring. Which is why I feel like shaking my fist at the sky and saying, "Now this? Really?" Yet I know that faith, not anger, is what will sustain us on the road ahead, wherever that road leads.
I don't know how to end this except to ask for your thoughts and prayers. I am trying not to let it get to me; Justin, his sister, and his mom are holding up well. Most of you know I have an anxiety disorder that is normally kept under control by medication, but I have a sick flutter in my stomach and I am trying not to remember how the PPD started while we were staying here in the aftermath of the hurricane. (It probably started during my FIL's sickness and just finally erupted later.) I DON'T want to make this about me, so pray that I can hold it together for Justin and his family.
It helps to write about it, so if you are reading this, thank you. My blogging friends have become an important part of my life.