Apprehensive but not too intensely anxious. I made an appointment with a psychiatrist and boy, let me tell you, I had worked myself into a tidy little internal knot about calling the nurse at my regular doctor’s office and asking for a recommendation since it felt like I was firing the regular doctor, who had done a good job, but I felt it was time for someone who has studied these medicines specifically for several years to be the one tinkering around with my dosage, but seriously I didn’t want the regular doctor to feel bad…It was so hard not to say all that to the nurse. “DON’T HATE ME BECAUSE I’M LEAVING YOU!” Um, yeah. If I’d done that, I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t have just recommended a psychiatrist, but a nice quiet stay in the nervous hospital.
The nurse was fine with my abandonment, but she didn’t have any recommendations, and I’d already found out that the doctor one of my friends sees wasn’t taking new patients. So I had to just start calling doctors who take my insurance. I decided to start with the women, in order of who’s closest to me, or maybe just if I recognized the street they’re on. The first few were either out of the office or had moved and left no new phone number even in the phone book. I found one who would schedule an appointment, pending acceptance of my insurance. Within 48 hours I’ll know if I need to renew the search. I’m pretty sure I’ll feel like a reject if they don’t want me, even though it’s pretty clear that won’t happen and even if it did, it’d be the insurance’s fault, not mine. It still feels better to have an appointment, even if it's 2 weeks away.
God, I’m a mess. I’m a lot better than I was when I first went on meds, but this last week f’ed me up royally and I feel like I might start "inappropriately sharing"with any given person, so instead I've kind of withdrawn. I wasn’t going to post this, because I’m pretty sure you don’t want to read about this. Amusing and/or heartwarming stories about the children, yes. Even quizzes and reviews of television shows. But not a play-by-play of my own personal Crazy Games.
Sometimes, like most of today, I feel fine. Sometimes, I even feel really good. No matter how I feel, I feed the children, change diapers, turn on TV shows, run errands, even clean house (which was too much, last week.) Then without warning I hunker down in my own mind and feel like something is broken inside me, the way I rehearse conversations with health professionals and have to remind myself to stop obsessing. I’m faking it, getting by on the minimums, and I want to do better, feel better. Damnit, I deserve to feel better! I don’t know if I have faith that it will happen, but I remember being worse than this and it did get better, a lot better, so maybe I will get there again. I’m trying. I’m really trying.