Tuesday, May 6, 2008

How It Feels To Be Me Right Now

Apprehensive but not too intensely anxious. I made an appointment with a psychiatrist and boy, let me tell you, I had worked myself into a tidy little internal knot about calling the nurse at my regular doctor’s office and asking for a recommendation since it felt like I was firing the regular doctor, who had done a good job, but I felt it was time for someone who has studied these medicines specifically for several years to be the one tinkering around with my dosage, but seriously I didn’t want the regular doctor to feel bad…It was so hard not to say all that to the nurse. “DON’T HATE ME BECAUSE I’M LEAVING YOU!” Um, yeah. If I’d done that, I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t have just recommended a psychiatrist, but a nice quiet stay in the nervous hospital.

The nurse was fine with my abandonment, but she didn’t have any recommendations, and I’d already found out that the doctor one of my friends sees wasn’t taking new patients. So I had to just start calling doctors who take my insurance. I decided to start with the women, in order of who’s closest to me, or maybe just if I recognized the street they’re on. The first few were either out of the office or had moved and left no new phone number even in the phone book. I found one who would schedule an appointment, pending acceptance of my insurance. Within 48 hours I’ll know if I need to renew the search. I’m pretty sure I’ll feel like a reject if they don’t want me, even though it’s pretty clear that won’t happen and even if it did, it’d be the insurance’s fault, not mine. It still feels better to have an appointment, even if it's 2 weeks away.

God, I’m a mess. I’m a lot better than I was when I first went on meds, but this last week f’ed me up royally and I feel like I might start "inappropriately sharing"with any given person, so instead I've kind of withdrawn. I wasn’t going to post this, because I’m pretty sure you don’t want to read about this. Amusing and/or heartwarming stories about the children, yes. Even quizzes and reviews of television shows. But not a play-by-play of my own personal Crazy Games.

Sometimes, like most of today, I feel fine. Sometimes, I even feel really good. No matter how I feel, I feed the children, change diapers, turn on TV shows, run errands, even clean house (which was too much, last week.) Then without warning I hunker down in my own mind and feel like something is broken inside me, the way I rehearse conversations with health professionals and have to remind myself to stop obsessing. I’m faking it, getting by on the minimums, and I want to do better, feel better. Damnit, I deserve to feel better! I don’t know if I have faith that it will happen, but I remember being worse than this and it did get better, a lot better, so maybe I will get there again. I’m trying. I’m really trying.


  1. Of course you are trying, and you are already doing it. Making the effort to find a therapist is a great first step. So is taking the meds prescribed. It's obvious you are trying to take good care of you. We are here for you to lean on, don't worry about censoring on your blog. It's your space.

  2. You DO deserve to feel better. And it will happen, after the meds get adjusted appropriately.

    And I don't mind at all reading about this subject. Just wish I was more available to hear about it in person or on the phone. If you ever need to talk, PLEASE don't hesitate to call me. I have enough standing to put most anything I'm doing at work on hold for a few minutes.

  3. It's hard, eh? I hope things get better very, very quickly.

  4. Came across your blog and wanted to commend you on your courage for being so honest and candid about depression.

    When my son was about 18 months old found myself screaming at my husband because he was mopping the floor... somehow him mopping the floor meant I sucked as a mother... needless to say, I made an appointment, got some help and some meds.

    That was 6 years ago. For me, the meds helped significantly and I was able to get off them eventually.

    Whatever the case is for you, I hope you realize that your blog is amazing and I will keep reading!

  5. call me, sis. my phone is new and this one works. same number.

  6. You do deserve to feel better. Good move going to a pscyh specifically. I think its not that great when people give out meds without having a lot of knowledge about how they will effect them.

    Hope all goes well, and wanted to let you know I've finally answered your question about my spiritual darkness. Sorry it took so long :)

  7. Good for you! I hope you find the help you need. Thanks for your honesty-it is refreshing and encouraging to others. Good luck.

  8. Oh, I think if you feel like you need the help and you are asking for the help you are on the right track. Although it's not always easy YOU ARE YOUR OWN BEST ADVOCATE! Fight for what you need, baby, fight for it! You do deserve it...and in time, i hope you get it! I'm glad to come here and read whatever you have to offer!

  9. You know what? The great palace lie is that you're the only one with the Crazy Games, that everyone else is walking around totally sane and functional and happy, and, quite frankly, pitying you for the mess you are.

    My baseline is depression with a side of anxiety. Just so you know. There's a reason my blog is named as it is.

    You don't have to keep this blog to entertain people. Write what you feel like writing. If people don't like it, they can leave, and good riddance.